a confession.

i just received a fantastic e-mail from a friend, and he made one comment that sums up how i've been approaching my blog: "i'm reasonably sure that this isn't the case, but your blog makes it sound like all you do now is travel around india."
funny enough, i was just thinking today how i wanted to get online, and just write...openly, honestly, without a list of pictures to post, or travel adventures to share--or really any organization whatsoever (novel, really, for me at least). yes, im excited to share where ive been and what ive seen--but ive been also been feeling this push to write about my work lately, even though there are definite reasons why ive been avoiding it.
im not one to be incredibly public about my frustrations and so on, as in, i dont particularly like sharing when im disappointed, or angry, or upset (matan recently commented on how i rarely cry in front of other people). but i have been all of those things lately, to the point where ive questioned why im here, why im studying what i am, and what the hell i am going to do with my life. kind of heavy. kind of.
i dont like to whine or complain, and ive done a decent bit of that lately with some great people here who can bravely tough it out and listen to me...so i didn't think i needed to do it here, too. plus, there's always an issue of pride--not wanting to admit when something isnt as perfect and incredible and educational as you expected it to be.
[for the record, this summer is all that and more--but it didnt feel like it a couple weeks ago]
why i have avoided writing about my work...(i'm still a lister, can't help it)
1. it's a lot. this work. as in, so much happens, so much i see, hear, and experience on a daily basis--its intimidating to put it into words. whereas summing up my travels, weekend trips that last 48 hours, is easy, approachable, enjoyable to blog about (and hopefully, to read about). i spend the day at places like hallo majra and ramdarbar, and some days the last thing i want to do is come home and write about it and think about it and relive whatever happened that day. emotionally taxing is a good phrase to use.
2. for a while, i was getting incredibly frustrated with my work and it wasnt fulfilling at all. not just that, but i was experiencing a lot of guilt. i was tired, i was angry, i wanted to crawl in bed and sleep. and i hated myself for that...in the slums, and anywhere in india generally, there is so much injustice--too much poverty, discrimination, sexism, abuse, corruption, waste...too much to be fixed, too impossible to fix. and what was i doing? research. which is all nice in theory, but in practice...it felt passive. i felt like i was sitting here, looking at all the problems that this country is facing, and doing absolutely nothing to help alleviate them. there was one day where i was just approached by so many begging children--and i hated, hated that i couldn't look them in the face. for the first few weeks here, maybe even the first month, i made an effort to smile at them, to just say namaste or something little like that, so they would feel like they were seen at the very least. but i was having a harder and harder time doing that, since it raises their expectations that you'll give them money--and while i try to give food to them when i have it, i know the problems of giving money to beggars, the ongoing cycle it creates. i love kids, it is completely instinct to talk to them and smile at them--but i couldnt look them in the face anymore, and that hurt so much worse than i ever expected. last summer i was teaching, which was so rewarding, so tangible in its impact--so visible in its effect. research is definitely not like that, though it has power in very different ways. but at the time that made me, in short, feel like a selfish, ignorant, academic type. i know how important it is, but its different when you see the problems, and feel like your time is being spent on observing them, not working to solve them.
3. my mom asked me when i decided i wanted to go to india if language would be a problem. i brushed that off, to some extent, i think--acknowledging it but not fully recognizing it. sometimes it can get extremely tiring to work in an area where people barely speak any english at all, where everything has to be repeated to you, translated over and over again, and you know that you're missing huge amounts, no matter what. i work with some people who have great english and definitely help me out tons, but some days it can be so agonizing to spend 1/2 of your day, sitting around, while everyone around you is talking 100 words a minute. i've learned a degree of patience that i've never had to experience before--and the value of facial expressions, body language, even a second's worth of eye contact. but some days, you dont notice any of those things, and you think about how you are wasting your time, their time, money and energy and efficiency. again, selfishly, under the cover of the so-called, "learning experience." which leads us to...
4. i am personally learning loads--about the luxuries in my life that i take for granted, the privileges that i have, how lucky i am to be surrounded by people who love, respect, and believe in me. to be a woman in a country where i can study whatever i want, marry whoever i want, be whatever i want. but then you think about how it's just a matter of luck, how random it is to placed where you are--and then it returns to point 2, the guilt factor. how did i end up being the foreign student learning about such inequalities, instead of the 20 year old woman experiencing them? (this is the kind of thing that can really keep you up at night)
5. people ask me what im studying. i say: public policy, public administration, NGO management...something like that. i truly believe in the power of NGOs. but after taking that course on non-profit management last spring, i also was well-aware of the weaknesses. and they are blatantly obvious here. there is limited staff, funds, resources, evaluation within the NGO i work for--there is idleness and procrastination and missed deadlines and inefficiency. all of the interns i live with have talked about the pure frustration of working in a country where being late is acceptable, taking massive chai breaks is expected, and the higher-ups get all kinds of breaks, pay-offs, and incentives. it is not all about grass-roots revolutions, sticking it to the man (or woman...), and social change. i am learning that working, having a job, means putting up with obnoxious, aggravating people, and it has bad days and good days, and it is by no means perfect. i am learning what it's like to come home at 8 pm, exhausted, with too much in your head and too much to do and not enough time to just stop and think and appreciate what is around you. when you forget to enjoy very basic things...it's not healthy.
6. our work is conducting a survey. and some of these women lie to us. which is completely understandable given that we are asking questions like, "does your husband physically abuse you?" and her mother-in-law is standing in the room, refusing to budge, even after we have (politely) asked her several times to return in 5 minutes. the survey conditions are not ideal in every case (with some it is), and the perfectionist in me was having the hardest time accepting that this could not and would not result in a perfect set of data. yes, we all took research methods (thanks, evans...), but its surprisingly harder to face in real life when you have poured so much time and energy into being able to eventually have something somewhat reflective of reality.

so, i havent captured it all but maybe you can all get the gist.
but the past week has been incredible.
as in, i am feeling more and more confident by the day that this is, indeed, what i want to do with my life. the details are fuzzy--but the conversations i've had have made it clear to me why there is such a dire need to provide services and support and confidence and encouragement for women and girls around the world, who are lacking the resources and freedoms i had from the moment i was born, into a country that (even with its faults) values the role of the modern woman, into a family that provided me with every opportunity to be educated, into a society that would encourage me to have goals and plans that extended beyond being a housewife and a mother.
i wanted to write an entire blog entry about the fact that one day we interviewed 21 women, and 20 of them married under the age of 21. some as young as 11. here i am, talking to a girl, a peer, of 19 who has been married for 5 years with 2 children. it goes on and on, every day. some wish for a different life and some don't, but they all share the same history of being married off, when they are barely adolescents, and then suddenly the rest of their lives are set in stone.
i think about my best girl friends: smart, talented, beautiful women who are studying, traveling, exploring their interests, their abilities, their capacities to learn and grow. there is nothing at all different between the girls we meet here and the ones that i know from home--it is purely, purely a difference in our environments, our cultures and societies, that have left us in such different places.
it is a rollercoaster ride running these interviews and documenting their lives on one single piece of paper each. one woman will tell us she is incredibly happy and free, her husband is understanding and loving and kind. the next will break into tears after the second question, sharing how she has lived with her parents for the last four years, after years of beatings by her alcoholic husband, and how she has no communication with her 8 year old daughter who her in-laws have kept from her. the next girl will bounce in, all smiles, confident that she will continue her studies, go to college, work until her mid-twenties, and then have her marriage arranged. but the next will sit timidly, a shy 18 year old, who has dropped out of school since she will be married within the year, expected to bear children soon after to fill her time and her parents and in-law's expectations.
some confide, some hide, some gush, some resist. it is inspiring and deflating all at once.
there is such hope in some faces, such resignation in others.
we interviewed teachers for the first time, after over 100 interviews with just housewives and basic laborers. it was exhilarating to conduct an interview in english, not having to pause for one second to get the translation or explanation. the differences between the responses of these educated women and the slum women and girls were so obvious, so glaringly different.
one teacher summarized it: educated women know their rights. they know that they have them.

im not done yet, but this seems to be a good start. i feel so much better, you have no idea. its like massive mental expulsion to the 10th degree.
the status of the work now: we have over 200 interviews that need to be put into the computer, on which i will run very basic stats and produce some visual representations, etc. (alsh, who needs stata when you have excel?? wish you were here. we would have loads more fun than those ps's--and we all know those were fun...) i want to write up some of the anthropological/societal/psychological/cultural observations i've made, hopefully for future use in some paper for a class/credit/personal pleasure in the fall. i know, i just said paper for personal pleasure. my supervisors and i will meet with our boss on tuesday to present the survey results, before developing some intervention programs.
as of last week, i thought that i would no way, no chance, have enough insight to recommend potential programs to help these women...but lo and behold, i actually think i have some valid insight to contribute. this is still shocking to me.

it is exciting and thrilling to feel like i've finally accomplished something, that i finally have something useful to say and provide. but im well aware that maybe in two days ill go back to feeling like i have absolutely no power to affect any change, or anything for the matter, in this great world of ours.
i think that just goes along with being young and naive and maybe even a bit too idealistic. or maybe getting older and more aware and realistic. all of you who are older and wiser can let me know if that just made any sense whatsoever (doubtful...).
i feel extremely grateful right now, extremely empowered, and extremely responsible for utilizing my education and good luck to do something worthwhile in my lifetime.
and that is a lot to wrap my head around.

so you can see why writing about chapati and petting baby elephants is a little less taxing.
but, to that friend who wrote that e-mail...thanks. thanks for calling me out on exactly what i needed to do...

a little bit of personal reflection goes a long way indeed.

p.s. there are a lot of people i miss a lot. i wish i could simultaneously be in several countries at once, giving the kind of attention and time and appreciation to so many people who have stood by me, no questions asked, supported me, and loved me even for all my weaknesses. that is rather vague, but its been on my mind. im sure all of you know who you are, and if you're reading this, and have had enough patience to get through this beast, you are by default one of them.

all my love,
angie