showdown: arranged v. love marriages

this is probably one of the most startling differences between indian and american culture: arranged marriages. ive had some really amazing discussions about it with everyone here--@ers, the women we work with, the other trainees...i think especially to us foreigners, its so far removed from what we know and see and experience.
i cant even count how many times ive been asked if my parents will arrange my marriage for me. and even more so, the number of shocked faces i see when i explain that it is not really that common at all in the US--unless you come from some other country. and even then, us first-generation americans with ancestries of arranged marriages (my grandparents had one), most likely will opt for "love marriages" this day and age.
i am not sure on the stats at all, but to me it seems like arranged marriages are still incredibly common, definitely in the lower class, and even in the middler and upper class, too. that's just been my perception, from the people i've met and talked to.

a couple days ago on the bus i met a law college lecturer, a 30 year old woman named dimple. we practically connected as soon as she sat down, and spent the 30 minute ride talking about the legal stance on domestic violence, how women are treated, what rights they do and do not have. i have her contact info, so i plan to speak with her again about all of these aspects of advocacy.
but what will stick in my head is how free she is, how confident and successful she is as an individual. she is unmarried, and quite proud of that fact, even though her parents are currently looking for a match for her. as she put it, "there's one scientist who studied in australia...another in the US right now, and a few more in india...he needs to have a solid career. i've worked hard for mine, and i deserve an equal in that respect, right?" i told her it kind of sounded like she was husband-shopping, and she laughed and wholeheartedly agreed. but she made it clear that in her case, she'll pick the one in the end--her parents will have a say, and they can give suggestions, but the choice is hers.

in the slums, that's less common...we've heard of stories of girls as young as 9 or 10 being married off by their grandfathers because their families don't want to or can't take care of them anymore. the most common age is easily before 21. this is a stark contrast from the educated class, like one woman i work with. she's 25, and its clear that she'll have the time to first build up her career before she'll get matched by her parents, when she's in her late twenties or early 30's.

a male friend here, my age, made it really clear in one discussion that he will marry the woman his parents choose for him, even if he fell in love with another. i tried to push him a little on this to evaluate what that would mean, the kind of marriage you would have marrying one woman when you, at least emotionally, were invested in another. somehow, by the end of our talk--the question seemed kind of silly. it's a matter of respect for your parents, for tradition--and it's a matter of learning to love the one you marry, not marrying the one you love.

i've heard such interesting reasons as to why it's better than love marriages--in fact, that it's the only way a marriage can be successful. granted, i am no expert on this (and wont be for quite a while!), but its really fascinating.

here are some:
1. when you go into an arranged marriage, you know relatively little about the person's habits and details of how they go about life, compared to someone you've dated for some time. because of this, you have less expectations going into the marriage, and thus you are more willing to accept their weaknesses.
2. the families are compatible. when you marry a person, it's not just them you're marrying, but their entire family. this ensures that the families will get along (or more so than love marriages).
3. money is a major factor in marital disputes. so, by matching the socioeconomic statuses of the bride and groom, the likelihood of fighting over money is reduced.
4. some study has shown that the most successful and satisfying marriages result from introductions made by, first, family members and, second, friends...not some person you meet maybe randomly or you seek out yourself. (i'm always weary of reasoning that starts with, "some study says..." but i thought i might as well be all-inclusive)
5. love can be blind. when you're young and in love and all those things, you have a tendency to not see the complete picture and to only focus on the novelty of love and romance.
6. love marriages focus on the now; arranged marriages focus on the future.

the other day i was at a friend's house reading a magazine, one of those inserts that comes with the paper with music reviews, local shows and plays, etc. this one also included an article on ensuring a solid future marriage.
in the corner of the page there was a box titled, "MUST ASK QUESTIONS."

(on the left column) GIRL to boy:
1. Where are we going to stay after marriage? If in a joint family...forever, or only for the initial few years?
2. Are there any servants to clean dishes, wash clothes, cook, sweep and mop etc?
3. Do I have the freedom of choice to work? Will I 'have' to work?
4. What are your views on starting a family? When? How many? Any insistence on a girl/boy child?
5. How often can I visit my parents? Will there be any restriction visiting them or my friends?
(on the right column) BOY to girl:
1. How often am I expected to visit your parents? How do you relate to your parents/siblings?
2. Do you (from your income) or we (as a couple) need to support your parents/siblings?
3. What are your views on starting a family? When? How many? Any insistence on a girl/boy child?
4. Do you like to go out/travel with friends or only as a couple?
5. What will I refer to you as? How will I refer to your parents and other relatives?
(Source: Heart to Heart Counseling Centre)

ok, some of these are pretty standard universal marriage questions--children, supporting in-laws--you would see this in a US magazine article, i'm sure. but to me it's almost comical the differences--the woman should ask if she'll have the freedom to work, to see her family and friends. and the guy has the oh so important question if trips to the movie theatre will only include the two of them, or a few friends as well...and really, what will he call her and her brother and her second cousin and her uncle's wife's great-aunt?
ok, fine, it's not as comical to me as it is aggravating...

moving on...

On July 15, I did 21 interviews.
19 of the women were married.
18 had arranged marriages (the one who didn't had a "love-cum-arranged" marriage).
this takes us to the age factor...

Out of the 21, the number of women married at this age:
23: 1
20: 4
19: 4
18: 3
17: 1
16: 2
15: 1
14: 2
13: 1

do the math. just about half of them married between the ages of 18-20. and half married under the age of 20. um, i'm turning 20 in, like, a month...

I could not get this out of my head for days--Richika, age 20, with a 1 year old son, or Rahana at 25, with 2 children. the next day was even a greater shock, when we interviewed Suman, a 20 year old who has been married for 9 years, mother of two, an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. its incomparable, my life and theirs, but you do it anyways, imagining how someone who has been on this world as long as you can possibly experience such, such a different life. we did an entire section on child brides and arranged marriages in my violence against women class--but it's so different to sit in front of one, and see their face, the infant in their arms. no 9 year old can make a choice about who she marries and when she'll have children and where she will be. for Suman, her life was determined for her when she didn't even know what it would entail.

but times are indeed changing. we've interviewed over 20 unmarried girls in ramdarbar, all around the ages of 19-21, and most of them make it clear that they don't plan to marry for another 3-5 years. and when we speak with the older women, the mothers of these girls, they see the faults in young marriages, and they understand the value of education now and married life later.

and maybe by then, the "must ask questions" will hopefully experience some change, too.