My Experience in Ulpan

It was really quite a traumatic experience for me, at first, and until I met Karen, until Karen and Daniel joined my course, every break I cried in the bathroom alone, and I'm not saying this to be dramatic, it was simply my experience in the Ulpan... and after the break I would give myself a pep-talk, that "you can do it, you're smart... these people - they don't know it's racist, they don't know it hurts, and that it hurts me, and I think... there was no one to ask 'how are you?' And Karen and Daniel were the first people to ask me that!

And it was so like revolutionary that someone noticed my experience and noticed that it was difficult. And until I met Itamar and Miriam and Shay and Dave and the team of TINAU I felt really alone in my experience.

And that was my experience in the Ulpan, and my experience in the country

The fact that I'm different, and how I arrived and why I'm here, and no one understands, no one notices, like, I didn’t make aliyah - that's an experience that people understand, and what I'm going through - no one paid attention.

So for me TINAU was really so important, and it seems to me that until it started it was really difficult for me in Israel, so it wasn’t just about learning Hebrew, but, really, my life.

--

And Shay said something about rules, and I wanted to say, like, what a shame, Shay, that you weren't my teacher—I wanted rules, I wanted to learn grammar, I wanted to learn, like, how to speak in the future tense.. My teacher, Rachel, she wanted content, but she didn't realize that she was giving us so much problematic, racist content...

And I remember that one time she asked everyone... We learned the word "’am” [people in Hebrew, I.M], really early on in the course, and she asked everyone - 'What is your ‘am?'

And I thought, 'Shit, it's so political, it's so... how can I say something political about what I believe, in the atmosphere of Zionism and everything, like - I have no words for it! I'm starting, like I'm still learning

So I said: 'I have no ‘am, everyone is my ‘am!'

And she was really angry, she shouted, she said: 'It's not true, like, the Americans—they're your ‘am, the Chinese—your ‘am, the Christians...' And she didn't accept it...like, she stopped the lesson, and she stood there in front of me, I'm sitting, I'm learning, I'm new, I haven't been there a month at all, and she's standing there, and the whole time she told me 'You don't understand, you don't understand, you don't understand!'

So for me, it's like I learned, 'Okay wow I don't have many words but I also have power, I have like six words, and I can say something that hurts her, she doesn't know how to deal with it.'

So the whole issue of power relations, it's so interesting, because at the beginning I really felt I had no power, I couldn't, like, I don't fucking understand this language! And when she got angry and yelled at me... it was so hard for me, like I don't know how to respond [to this] in English so how will I respond Hebrew?

 I didn't want a dialogue, but it got to the point where she said all kinds of things... ‘I don’t have any other option, I have to answer, so I have to answer with the words I have...’

And it's very interesting because now that I'm with you, with you I think, it's a shame I didn't have a critical TINAU teacher, but in the end, I wrote her a thank you letter, in Hebrew, without mistakes... I was really afraid [of maaking mistakes], like, I wanted to show her that I'm strong, like - you think you can you shout at me in Hebrew? I can shout too! And I wrote the thank-you letter ‘that I was able to learn how to argue in your course, with you, [though] it's not what I wanted, it's not what I expected or thought, it's not how I want to teach or it's how other people should learn, but in the end I came to some... Like in a movie, like, I took the power back—I'm better than that, what you tried to do, you didn't succeed.’

 זאת באמת הייתה בשבילי חוויה די טראומטית בשבילי, בהתחלה, ועד שפגשתי את קרן, עד שקרן ודניאל הצטרפו לקורס שלי, כל הפסקה בכיתי בשירותים לבד, ואני לא אומרת את זה כדי להיות דרמטית, זו פשוט הייתה החוויה שלי באולפן... ואחרי ההפסקה עשיתי pep-talk לעצמי, ש"את יכולה, את חכמה... האנשים האלה- הם לא יודעים שזה גזעני, הם לא יודעים שזה כואב, ושזה פוגע בי, ואני חושבת... מישהו ששאל 'איך את?' וקרן ודניאל היו האנשים הראשונים ששאלו אותי את זה!

וזה היה כל כך כאילו מהפך שמישהו שמישהו שם לב לחוויה שלי ושם לב שזה היה קשה

ועד שפגשתי את איתמר ומרים ושי ודייב והצוות של כזל"א הרגשתי ממש בודדת בחוויה שלי.

כאילו זה חויה באולפן, וחויה בארץ

זה שאני שונה,  ואיך שאני הגעתי ולמה אני פה, ואף אחד לא מבין, אף אחד לא שם לב, כאילו לא עשיתי עלייה-זאת חוויה שאנשים מבינים, ומה שאני חיה-- זה אף אחד לא שם לב.

אז בשבילי TINAU  זה באמת היה כל-כך חשוב, ונראה לי עד שזה התחיל היה ממש קשה לי בארץ, אז זה לא סתם קטע של לימוד עברית, אבל, ממש החיים שלי.

--

ושי אמר משהו על כללים, ורציתי להגיד, כאילו, איזה חבל, שי, שאתה לא היית המורה שלי—אני רציתי כללים, אני רציתי ללמוד דקדוק, רציתי ללמוד, כאילו, איך לדבר בעתיד... המורה שלי, רחל, היא רצתה תוכן, אבל היא לא הבינה שהיא נתנה לנו כל-כך הרבה תוכן בעייתי, גזעני...

ואני זוכרת שפעם אחת היא שאלה את כולם... למדנו את המלה "עם", ממש מוקדם בשיעורים, והיא שאלה את כל אחד- 'מי העם שלך?'

ואני חשבתי 'שיט, זה כל-כך פוליטי, זה כל-כך... איך אני אגיד משהו פוליטי על מה שאני מאמינה, באוירה של ציונות והכל, כאילו- אין לי מלים לזה! אני מתחילה, כאילו אני לומדת'

אז אני אמרתי: 'אין לי עם, כולם העם שלי!'

והיא באמת כעסה, היא צעקה, היא אמרה: 'זה לא נכון, כאילו, האמריקאים—הם העם שלך, הסינים—העם שלך, הנוצרים...' והיא לא קיבלה את זה... כאילו, היא עצרה את השיעור, והיא עמדה שם מולי, אני יושבת, אני לומדת, אני חדשה, לא הייתי שם חודש בכלל, והיא שם עומדת, וכל הזמן היא אמרה לי 'את לא מבינה, את לא מבינה, את לא מבינה!'

אז בשבילי, כאילו למדתי, 'אוקיי וואו אין לי הרבה מלים אבל יש לי גם כוח, יש לי כאילו שש מלים, ואני יכולה להגיד משהו שכאילו, פוגע בה, היא לא יודעת איך להתמודד עם זה.'

אז כל הנושא של יחסי כוחות, זה כל-כך מעניין, בגלל בהתחלה ממש הרגשתי אין לי כוח, אני לא יכולה, כאילו

I don’t fucking understand this language ! וכשהיא כועסת וצועקת עליי... היה כל-כך קשה לי, כאילו אני לא יודעת איך לענות באנגלית אז איך אני אענה בעברית... אני לא רציתי דיאלוג, אבל זה הגיע למקום שהיא אמרה כל מיני דברים.. אין לי, אין לי אופציה, אני חייבת לענות, אז אני חייבת לענות עם המלים שיש לי...

וזה מאוד מעניין כי עכשיו שאני איתכם, איתכן אני חושבת, חבל שלא היה לי מורה מTINAU  ביקורתי, אבל בסוף אני כתבתי לה מכתב תודה, בעברית, בלי טעויות.. ממש פחדתי, כאילו, רציתי להראות לה שאני חזקה, כאילו – את חושבת שאת יכולה לצעוק עליי בעברית? אני יכולה לצעוק גם! ואני כתבת את המכתב-תודה, תודה שאני הצלחתי ללמוד איך להתווכח בקורס שלך, איתך, זה לא מה שרציתי, זה לא מה שציפיתי או חשבתי, זה לא איך שאני רוצה ללמד או זה איך שאנשים אחרים צריכים ללמוד, אבל בסוף הגעתי לאיזשהו... כמו בסרט, כאילו, לקחתי את הכוח בחזרה—אני יותר טובה מזה, מה שאת ניסית לעשות, לא הצלחת' אבל היה די טראומטי, החוויה הייתה ממש ממש קשה וזה שאנשים לא הבינו את זה , 'אה את לומדת באולפן, איזה יופי, את מדברת כל-כך יפה, איזה יופי!'

 

The End of an Era (or just three months)

A farewell, quickly, as I'm leaving Israel tomorrow morning. At 8:30 AM, my friend Sandra and I will take a bus from Nazareth to Amman, and fly to Cairo in the evening. After 5 days in Egypt, we'll spend another 5 in Jordan before I fly to India for two weeks, then finally to Taiwan. It's been an incredible few months here, with more stories and experiences I can ever put in words, with more friends and places to miss and look forward to seeing again soon. Especially the time on the farm was so eye-opening, inspiring, life-changing...I am already aching a bit to be back. On that note, here are a couple of last entries which sum up the depth and intensity of the last month. Not sure when I'll be posting again, but as always, much love to all, peace and take care.

Beginning at the Farm

Wow--this is really old, but important enough to me to share here. This is a journal entry from my first day on the goat farm...(click on it for it to be readable!)

Farewell, Rabi Meir Street

I moved out of the apartment on Thursday, which was a much sadder occasion than I expected. Lots of good memories there, and it of course signifies that change is soon to come. This will be my last week interning in Tel Aviv, which is ridiculous...time! Where did you go? 7 weeks in Tel Aviv, and I have become attached...the other night I took a very touristy tour of Tel Aviv's famous architecture and homes of historical leaders. I always loved the style of Tel Aviv apartments, but now I'm really addicted to looking up when I walk down streets, to catch the neat designs and elements of the buildings. I also had my very last yoga class on Wednesday and said proper goodbyes to both the teacher and a graduate student who was my personal translator/yoga companion. The teacher gave the class in English for the first time, I think as a special parting gift to me. I'm glad the goodbyes are happening slowly--the ones at the hostel and Kav La'Oved will be harder next week.

The empty apartment...how depressing!

The upshot of all this is that I've picked an organic farm to work on for a month, through WorldWideOpportunities(on)OrganicFarms'ing (wwoof.org). Yes, you can use it in a sentence like, "Neat! Are you going to WWOOF as well?" I'll start next Sunday, and I can't wait. The farm I picked (and that accepted me) looks incredible!! It's a goat farm. And you must watch their little video on the website (goatswiththewind.com) and read their introduction. It will make you smile. I don't know anything about goats, except I like their cheese and they're pretty fuzzy, cute creatures. Reason enough.

On the topic of my Hebrew, a few days ago I had coffee with a friend I met through the volunteering with Chinese migrants. She's Israeli, but studied Chinese and lived in China for a year, and now is back working at Amnesty International. Needless to say, she is incredibly awesome. We went to a small coffeeshop filled with vintage furniture and cool art, and spoke English AND Chinese AND Hebrew over apple cake. It was a blast...I really was inspired by Emma, who did this with a Spanish friend of hers in Sevilla. I had no idea how it would go--if it would lag and be awkward or boring or filled with anxiety...but it was absolutely fantastic. Plus, I got to take a tour of her new apartment in Yafo (Jaffa), one of the oldest port cities in the world, with its beautiful teal wooden shutters and antique tiling in the bathroom.

So, I've said goodbye to one apartment with a fond farewell. But I've already started dreaming of the next one...

The street we lived on, good ole Rabi Meir.

(Don't) Deport(ed) (Me)

Spending a Saturday at the New Central Bus Station in Tel Aviv is like...not being in Israel. It's the end of the weekend, the time when all the caregivers and domestic workers in the city are returning to the homes of the employers. And the Station is absolutely flooded with Indian, Sri Lankan, Filipino, Chinese and Nepalese workers...I barely saw Israelis there at all, or they were hidden among the foreign faces. It's like an entire underground population has risen out of no where. Even though I see the migrant workers all the time in the office, it was shocking to witness the massive numbers of them, momentarily stepping out of their usual invisibility.

These are some posters/street art that can be found around this area, where many of the migrants live. There are so many opinions on this: the migrants are good, bad, useful, sly, naive, smart, strong, weak. Whether or not you think they deserve to be here, to work and live and create families here, no one can deny the fact that immigration is a pressing issue in Tel Aviv. An Israeli woman told me to not forget that in my work with Kav La'Oved, I am "only seeing one side of Israel." Absolutely--it is only one side, but one I am glad to be aware of. More than that, I'm proud to be a part of the cause.

A new campaign to protect the children of migrants. These posters are everywhere--car windshields, restaurant and store windows, street corners, building walls, back of bikes...

"גירוש עכשיו" means "Deportation now!"

8.10.09 - 10.10.09

This is an ode to a wonderful weekend filled to the brim with seeing friends and getting to know their families. In an attempt at organization, here we go...

The Serious: Last week I had several talks with great people, and each and every time the topics of converting to Judaism and living in Israel came up (who knew that I would incite such conversations?). Whenever people ask if I'm ready to live here and become Jewish, the answer is slightly...complicated. The last two months have really opened my eyes to both aspects of Israel and Judaism I love and value (i.e. family, tradition, lifestyle) and aspects I do not always understand or accept (i.e. immigration, politics). No place is perfect, indeed. But as many friends have point-blank told me, "Israel is not an easy place to live." A friend from Cornell, a Jewish-American, told me that after two years here she still grapples with being a foreigner at times. I tell people all the time that I love Tel Aviv, since it is the best place in Israel for a liberal non-Jewish Asian-American to live. True fact, but a city isn't representative of an entire country. Most days I am happy with my life here, surrounded by some of the most loving and warm people I have ever met, doing satisfying work that I am passionate about. But sometimes I am still very bothered by the fact that the country, in its foundation, sees my presence as a threat to the Jewish people. While Matan, his family, and our friends are as supportive and encouraging as possible, I need to come to terms with the fact that some people (in Israel and out) will always think that I have no right to be here. Yes, there are probably racist Americans who think that I am not a "real" American. But there's a difference between being born into a country (the US) and then actively choosing to establish a new life in a new country (Israel). And I haven't even gone into the related topics of conversion, religion, God, the army, war...so. I told you it was complicated...:)

The Less Serious: This is the first time I've lived in a city, and I adore it. Next week will be my last in Tel Aviv, which makes me a little teary already. For years I've been jealous of my city-dwelling friends. I'm glad I ended up in rural upstate NY for college, but I'm equally (if not more) glad that I moved out of there and found myself here instead. There's just this buzz that I feel so energized by, the constant movement of people, the density of individuals in one space. The overwhelming number of fascinating streets and corners, cafes, stores, galleries. It is like one big treasure hunt all the time. The apartment is located in such a central spot--I really feel the pulsing of the heart of the city. Plus, Tel Aviv just has this young, liberal, eclectic vibe, with beach-side yoga, vegan restaurants with names like "Buddha Burger," tons of NGOs, and a disproportionate number of people with tattoos of Chinese characters. Tel Aviv won my heart very quickly. BUT despite my love for this city and its beach, art, and culture...I am quite ashamed of how "loose" I've been with my wallet lately (mainly with food, honestly). URBAN LIFE IS EXPENSIVE. I want to keep living in cities. Cities are expensive. I want to keep working with NGOs. NGOs do not equate big salaries. What a dilemma.

The Not Serious: Thursday night I saw 500 Days of Summer at the Haifa International Film Festival...hehe, international American movie! I also spent a lot of the weekend with my friend Amir, meeting the family's two new kittens (one named Pascal), two new puppies (half St. Bernard), chickens and roosters, frogs, birds, garden hedgehog, Amir's awesome family, and more cats and dogs. And seeing the lychee, mango, cotton, guava, pomegranate, fig, pecan, grape, orange, etc. trees/plants on their land. Amazing. Kittens and puppies and babies (Amir has a new nephew) make the world fuzzy and happy. In another life, I really wish I could go around distributing baby animals and spreading joy and love. In case the whole NGO thing doesn't work out...I also got to have Shabbat dinner with my friend Kesem and her aunt, uncle, and awesome cousins. Dinner started with prayers and ended with chasing each other around with foam swords. Very cultural, indeed...

A funny pic I've been meaning to share--the sign, and then me, Amir, Matan and Kes.

Love-Hate List

Love:
1. The good, cheap, locally made yogurt I eat every morning.
2. Seeing a Filipina woman I worked with an Kav La'Oved at the bus station, and having her say hello because she remembered me.
3. No mice in Tel Aviv because there are too many stray cats. And seeing lots of kittens!
4. Getting invited to sit down and share a meal with our neighbor and her friends the first time we met her, purely do to the goodness of her heart.
5. Hummus.

Hate:
1. The fact I spent weeks buying over-priced yogurt because the good, cheap, locally made yogurt was in a weird looking container and shelved with the milk, not the yogurt.
2. Migrant workers who work for the same employer for 9-12 years and get paid below minimum wage without receiving any benefits they're entitled to for the last 9-12 years.
3. Seeing lots of homeless kittens.
4. The overwhelming number of awesome restaurants and cafes in the city, all of which taunt me to pull out my wallet and buy lots of delicious things.
5. Hummus up north is better than the stuff in the middle of the country. I would love to be proven wrong...on that note!

I LOVE Akko; it's a city in the north, right on the coast, with mad history (Napolean tried to conquer it). Besides being beautiful, it won my heart because 1) it's one of the only cities in Israel where Arabs and Jews peacefully live together and 2) it has the best hummus I've ever had in my life. Matan asked if I was going to take a picture of it, but I didn't because I thought it would not do the Abu Sayid hummus justice. Instead...

This is the line outside of the place. It's small, cramped, and super-speedy. You order and get your hummus within a minute. See the guy waving in line? That turned out to be Matan's cousin getting some hummus, too...

Even though we stuffed ourselves with hummus and pita, I insisted on Baklawa.
AHHH. IT'S SO DELICIOUS. Sigh...